This season of American Idol started out with so much promise; new judges, no more Simon, the promise of new blood in the fading franchise. Things went south quickly, thanks to the early elimination of Pia Toscano, the Judges’ Save used way too early, lack of criticism from the judging panel and obvious examples of producer pimping/manipulation. Tonight, the season 10 winner will be crowned, an underwhelming competition between Scotty “Lovechild of Alfred E. Neuman and Howdy Doody” McCreery and Lauren “Toddlers and Tiaras All Grown Up” Alaina. For me, it’s the battle of who could care less, as my favorite, the sublime Haley Reinhart, was eliminated last week. Stay tuned as I live blog all of the filler segments and performances, and of course, who is crowned Wholesome Southern Teen Idol.
8:02 – When I think that more people vote for American Idol than the presidential election, a little part of me dies.
8:03 – Something that’s plagued me all season: is ‘Alaina’ actually her last name, or is it a middle-name-as-last-name sort of deal? Boggles the mind.
8:05 – Jacob Lusk is loving this Lady Gaga choreography.
8:07 – This isn’t a knock on Lauren’s weight, but she appears to be wearing an outfit from the Fat Elvis collection.
8:08 – Commercial Break Twitter Update (CBTU) “@realityblurred: Um, Lauren’s hometown Idol finale party had tons of empty seats. The camera couldn’t even conceal that.”
8:11 – The fact that both Judas Priest and Iggy Pop have appeared on Idol this season does not bode well for the future of the music industry.
8:15 – No, Ryan, do not go to Randy for any soundbites/reactions tonight. Please.
8:16 – It has occurred to me that I’d enjoy kickin’ it with the Dawg, but in the context of Idol, I’d like to sew his mouth shut.
8:18 – I would rather listen to seven hours of Randy saying, “You’re in it to win it!”than a three-minute Jacob Lusk performance.
8:21 – CBTU “@votefortheworst: Jacob Lusk needs time to queen out by himself. Eliminate Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight and let Jacob go to town on his own.”
8:26 – I shouldn’t be enjoying this Casey Abrams/Jack Black performance as much as I am.
8:30 – I forgot most of these girls even existed.
8:33 – The top six girls are dressed like strippers at a post-apocalyptic strip club.
8:36 – CBTU “@mattmitovich: True story: Jack Black thinks he’s dueting with Will Ferrell.”
8:40 – Steven Tyler…everyone’s favorite crazy uncle.
8:42 – LOVE Haley’s dress. I wish she was singing with someone a little more current than Tony Bennett, but she sounds wonderful, as usual.
8:46 – J. Lo’s hair, flesh and jumpsuit are all the same color. It’s unsettling.
8:48 – Seriously, who dresses these girls? I can’t even find the words to describe how atrocious their TLC performance ensembles are…
8:50 – I appreciate the sentiment, but “Live Like You Were Dying” is my least favorite Tim McGraw song. Of course he’s singing it with Scotty.
8:55 – CBTU “@rilaws: It’s so weird that Tim McGraw is being styled by George Michael these days.”
8:58 – I can’t wait for this Idol nonsense to be over so we can get to the goodness that is So You Think You Can Dance.
9:02 – Sorry, Mr. J. Lo, but this performance reminds me of the “Island Fantasy Spectacular” put on by my resort on Spring Break.
9:06 – Oh Stefano, don’t ever sing in falsetto again.
9:08 – I think I can safely say this season’s top 13 is the most adept at choreography. Yes, this is something I thought about and analyzed. Help me.
9:11 – This medley is painful. These six voices do not mesh well together.
9:12 – The girls got to sing with Beyonce and the boys get…Tom Jones. Naturally.
9:14 – CBTU “@EWMandiBierly: I wish they’d made the Top 13 girls be Marc Anthony’s feather girls.”
9:23 – This show needed a heavy dose of Gaga’s insanity. Love her.
9:25 – I love playing “Spot Mark Kanemura” during Lady Gaga’s performances. He’s one of my favorite SYTYCD alums.
9:27 – CBTU “@adambvary: Ummm. Is Scotty a little hot for teacher?”
9:31 – Loving that Carrie Underwood is wiping the floor with Lauren. Bow down, bitches.
9:33 – Again, this isn’t a knock on Lauren’s weight, but I couldn’t help but notice that her butt is about three times the size of Carrie’s. I wish I had a screencap so I could marvel at the difference.
9:36 – Beyonce’s back. Snooze.
9:40 – CBTU “@EWAnnieBarrett: Carrie Underwood’s “sun”-kissed legs are the skinniest hot dogs I’ve ever seen.”
9:44 – I will never tire of the commercial where the guy is doing a one-man flash mob in Grand Central.
9:46 – This unknown dude onstage with Bono and the Edge looks like a mix of Ethan Hawke, James Franco and Kris Allen.
9:50 – CBTU “@EWAnnieBarrett: Sorry Bono and the Edge aren’t home right now they’re walking into spiderwebs so leave a message and they’ll call you back.” (Follow her. She’s hilarious.)
9:54 – Uncle Steven woke up from his season-long nap to perform, everyone!
9:57 – CBTU “@MichaelSlezakTV: I am going to have to ‘rise above’ the show’s failure to give a couple of my fave finalists a solo performance slot. #HijackedBySpidey”
10:02 – Okay, folks, here we go…the 2011 American Idol is…SCOTTY MCCREERY!
10:03 – Congrats to Scotty, but ugh, that means we have to hear his stupid “Love You This Big” song ad nauseum.
10:05 – “@rilaws: Time to sing the baby song for babies. Baby gets a bottle after sing-song is over.”
An underwhelming ending to an underwhelming season. I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things…SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE starts tomorrow night : )