Season 11 of American Idol comes to an end tonight; we find out who inherits the sash and tiara from Scotty “Baby Lock Them Doors” McCreery. Will it be southern heartthrob and Dave Matthews impersonator Phillip Phillips, or will it be ballad-bot Jessica “BB Chez” Sanchez?
I think both have rabid fanbases that voted their fingers off last night, but Phillip’s excellent coronation song “Home” may have given him the lead. I have no horse in the race, as my girl Skylar Laine was eliminated fifth, but it will be interesting to see if Jessica can be the first female to win the title since Jordin Sparks.
8:01 – What do you think Phillip and Jessica talk about? I just spent 30 seconds pondering this. Thirty seconds of my life I’ll never get back.
8:03 – Oh top 12…so much potential, so much disappointment.
8:04 – Is this a tie-in for So You Think You Can Dance? Reminder: it’s back tomorrow. Watch it!
8:06 – I love how Jane Lynch has a better seat than Scotty McCreery.
8:08 – Phillip Phillips in his finest henley and white pants. What a dapper gent.
8:10 – Idol will never limit the number of votes a person can cast, a la Dancing With the Stars, because they love to brag about the record-breaking number of votes.
8:12 – Seriously geeking out over Phillip and John Fogerty singing together. What a great pairing.
8:14 – Um, I might have spoken too soon, because this is not audibly pleasant. Sorry Phil, I think it’s you.
8:15 – Phillip’s vocal limitations are so apparent when put next to a legend like Fogerty.
8:18 – The first of many filler segments: the judges acting wacky. Or, Steven Tyler being himself while J. Lo and Randy look on bemusedly.
8:20 – Full confession: I never got the Joshua Ledet hype. Too much hollering and screaming for me.
8:21 – Holy s#*t…Fantasia looks downright hideous. Whoever put that weave on her head and shoved her into that sequined sausage casing should be shot.
8:23 – Thank you to Fox for cutting to a commercial break. My retinas were starting to burn the longer I looked at Fantasia. I’m all about loving your body, but there comes a point where you put on a sequined and mesh catsuit, look in the mirror and go, “No, this won’t do.”
8:30 – I can’t decide if Jimmy Iovine’s mental block with Jennifer Lopez’ name is funny or sad.
8:32 – It’s almost criminal how early the uber-talented Erika van Pelt was eliminated.
8:34 – Chaka Khan continues tonight’s trend of vulgarly tight bodysuits. If I can see the outline of your labia and ass crack, take it up a size.
8:40 – “Here, Phillip Phillips. Have a new Ford car, despite not appearing in any of the music videos!”
8:45 – I’m trying to come up with something to say about Rihanna’s performance…but I don’t even know where to begin.
8:51 – Oh Skylar. You should be competing for the title tonight. Life is unjust.
8:53 – Reba is like Skylar in 40 years. I’ve been saying all season that Skylar is like a mix of Reba and Miranda Lambert, so this duet is perfect.
8:55 – STEVEN TYLER HAS A SLOTH.
8:59 – Jessica Sanchez is singing a ballad. There’s something new and exciting. Even her little brother is bored.
9:01 – The girls were so much better than the guys this season.
9:11 – I chuckled at the ‘singing the phone book’ bit. Help.
9:14 – Didn’t J. Lo perform two weeks ago? Why is she back, in drop-crotch pants, no less?
9:15 – “Tonight we go orangutan/Bananas.” Jennifer Lopez, lyricist extraordinaire.
9:20 – Couldn’t comment during the second J. Lo song, as I was demonstrating some of my Zumba moves. Everyone in the room with me, cats included, implored me to stop.
9:25 – A live engagement of two former Idol contestants. The circle of life, folks.
9:28 – Hollie, my favorite little pixie British Texan. She sounds lovely with Jordin Sparks.
9:32 – Funny how this whole shebang is about Phillip and Jessica, yet the two of them have barely been on screen the last hour and a half.
9:35 – If the guys are singing Bee Gees, I bet the girls are doing a Donna Summer medley.
9:37 – I didn’t miss Colton’s straining emo faces one bit. Between his neck tendons and Phillip’s forehead vein, this was the season of overwrought body parts.
9:40 – I’m not sure what’s going on with Jennifer Holliday’s mouth, and that concerns me.
9:43 – That was over the top in a very uncomfortable way.
9:47 – Wow…Joe Perry and the rest of Aerosmith finally got over their Idol snit and are performing. Also, Steven Tyler looks like Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter.
9:49 – I can only assume that, to round out the judges performance trifecta, Randy is going to recite some poetry about his time with Journey and working with Mariah.
9:52 – Aww, how cute. Jennifer is pretending she knows the words to “Walk This Way.”
9:58 – Praise the fashion gods…Phillip Phillips is wearing a suit jacket. Over a henley. Of course.
9:59 – Phillip and Jessica singing together is like the musical equivalent of peanut butter and vinegar.
10:02 – PHILLIP PHILLIPS WINS!
10:03 – “Home” is the best coronation song since “A Moment Like This.”
10:04 – Despite my aforementioned ambivalence, I am tearing up watching Phillip cry.
Well, there you have it. Phillip Phillips, winner of American Idol season 11. Another guy with a guitar. C’est la vie. Thanks for reading! Watch So You Think You Can Dance!