Greetings! Welcome to my first-ever live blog! Tonight I’ll be picking apart the Grammys, probably my favorite awards show because we get lots of great performances and very little filler. Just a warning: I may give up if this turns into a disaster, and there’s a very good chance I’ll go to bed before the show is over. Wow…if that’s not confidence in my abilities, I don’t know what is. Stay tuned!
8:00: Another crazy spectacle from Lady Gaga. Hopefully this turns into the piano duet with Elton I heard about…
8:02: I think I’m uncomfortable seeing this much of Gaga’s pelvis.
8:05: This is a Grammy performance for the history books, kids.
8:08: Jay-Z was VERY unamused by Stephen Colbert.
8:10: Colbert is killing it. Why doesn’t he host more award shows?
8:12: And song of the year goes to…Beyonce for “Single Ladies.” Great song, but I think it should have gone to Taylor or Gaga.
8:14: J Lo, you’ve come a long way since that infamous Grammy dress all those years ago…
8:16: This is weird…like Green Day meets “Rent.”
8:19: I actually like that song a lot better with the Broadway treatment.
8:24: Kristen Bell looks TERRIBLE. You are so much better than that dress and “When In Rome,” Kristen.
8:26: And Taylor Swift’s domination begins…now. Aww, Mama Swift is so happy.
8:27: Simon Baker is struggling with his TelePrompter. What’s up with the Groucho Marx glasses?
8:29: I really dislike Beyonce. She’s not as great of a singer as everyone claims her to be. This performance is terribly boring…”If I Were a Boy” is one of her weakest songs.
8:32: And now she’s covering Alanis Morrisette? This makes no sense.
8:42: Something tells me Pink won’t keep this demure white robe on for very long…
8:43: She’s taking pseudo-nudity to new heights. (Pun intended.)
8:44: Between Gaga and Pink, the Staples Center must have a team of bikini waxers on staff.
8:46: Oh Miranda Lambert, I love you and your real-woman figure, but honey, that dress is doing you absolutely no favors.
8:47: Best New Artist is always my favorite award…welcome to the club, Zac Brown Band! This is a surprising win; I thought MGMT had this one.
8:54: Go away, Miley. Your dress is ugly, too.
8:55: BEP is not sounding good live. I can’t look at Fergie without thinking of her peeing her pants.
8:57: “I Gotta Feeling” is such a sing-along song. Also, Fergie may or may not be wearing a futuristic poker visor. I’d like to describe this performance as a hot mess.
9:00: JoBros introducing Lady Antebellum? Yes please.
9:05: Joe Jonas, you look foolish.
9:07: Love me some Lady A. They’re one of the few country artists on my iPod.
9:08: Fun fact – Lady A singer Charles Kelley is Katherine Heigl’s brother-in-law. (She’s married to his brother Josh.)
9:09: Yes! Stephen Colbert is a Grammy winner.
9:11: Colbert’s daughter is an insta-celeb now…she’s going to be the coolest kid at her high school/college tomorrow.
9:17: Norah Jones is like the musical equivalent of wallpaper. She’s talented, but she puts me to sleep.
9:18: Wow…Kings of Leon came out of nowhere for song of the year. “Use Somebody” is a great, anthemic song and definitely deserved to win, although I’m quite shocked they beat out all those other pop hits.
9:20: Much like Miley missed the memo about stilettos, I apparently missed the memo about thick, black glasses. Robert Downey, Jr. is like the 5th person to sport Buddy Holly glasses tonight.
9:22: Why does this song merit a Grammy performance? I find Jamie Foxx unnecessary.
9:24: Seriously, what is going on? Everyone in the audience looks pained, especially Josh Duhamel, who looks like he’d rather be anywhere but watching this.
9:26: Ke$ha and Justin Bieber may be the most awkward pairing of the night. Nice recovery though, Bieber, although you might want to avoid Jay-Z for the rest of the night.
9:28: Also, Ke$ha (dollar sign totally ridiculous and difficult to type) looks like a less-cute version of Ashley Tisdale.
9:32: Alice Cooper is like Russell Brand in 40 years. Take it all in, Katy.
9:33: Kind of an underwhelming selection for Best Rock Album. “21st Century Breakdown” is like a watered-down version of “American Idiot.”
9:35: “Chicken Fried” is incredibly cliched, but it’s such a feel-good country song.
9:40: Just realized the telecast ends at 11:30…I’ll be wicked ired in the morning, but I’ll be blogging until the end credits roll. Have no fear.
9:46: Only Taylor Swift can sing the lyrics “I wore a dress/You wore a dark gray t-shirt” and not get laughed at.
9:47: My parents are not T. Swift fans…Mom thinks she sounds flat, and Dad think she “sings like a 10-year-old.” Clearly they aren’t Grammy voters.
9:49: I love Taylor Swift, Stevie Nicks and “Rhiannon,” but I don’t love them all together.
9:50: My family room has turned into a Taylor Swift-bashing festival. There is no love for Miss Swift among my parents.
9:52: I love Lionel Richie…he’s so comfortingly bland.
9:54: Dang, no 3-D glasses for the MJ tribute.
9:55: Carrie Underwood looks fabulous, as usual.
9:58: LOVE the shots of the celebs in the audience rocking their 3-D glasses.
10:00: Call me insensitive, but that was kind of a lackluster “tribute.” Maybe if it was a more familiar song?
10:01: Paris and Prince seem so well-adjusted and normal. They’re very cute kids.
10:08: Sheryl Crow still exists?
10:10: This may be the most formulaic and boring Bon Jovi song in their entire songbook.
10:12: Jennifer Nettles is a country goddess. I love Sugarland.
10:14: Bon Jovi are such seasoned pros that they can play “Livin’ On a Prayer” with one second’s warning.
10:16: Mos Def and Placido Domingo are totally failing at their witty banter.
10:17: PLEASE LET “I’M ON A BOAT” WIN.
10:19: Who is this cute child with Jay and Rihanna? Also, was Kanye not invited for fear of a VMA repeat?
10:26: Must. Stay. Awake.
10:28: I’m sure this is a lovely tribute, but I can’t stop yawning. We need some upbeat performances, stat.
10:31: Drake, Lil Wayne and Eminem will definitely inject some life into this dying telecast.
10:39: Mr. Grammy President, let’s wrap this up. You’re very eloquent and important, but it’s too late for long speeches.
10:41: Adam Sandler looks old and lost. Love that they played “The Hanukkah Song” as he walked onstage, though.
10:43: Maybe I should take up playing a stringed instrument so I can be featured on the Grammys…maybe the viola?
10:44: This is not a great DMB song. Also, Dave Matthews should never dance. Ever.
10:46: Lea Michele is GORGEOUS. I may prematurely name her best-dressed of the night.
10:48: Beyonce is in the running for worst dressed…that getup is a Lady Gaga reject, and her poor boobs look like they’re being cut in half.
10:53: I’m really hoping Gaga pulls of a win for Album of the Year…”The Fame” is a fantastic pop album.
10:55: Excuse me while I take a nap during Maxwell’s performance.
10:58: The first time I ever saw Roberta Flack in my life, she was on “The Rosie O’Donnell Show” singing a spoof called “Killing Me Softly With This Thong.” It was a wonderful first impression.
11:03: The “In Memorium” segments are always so sobering. The music industry loses so much talent every year.
11:04: This lady singing with Jeff Beck has her hair shaped like a Cinnabon. I’m very hungry all of a sudden…
11:12: Quentin Tarantino scares me. A lot.
11:13: I think this is Lil Wayne’s last public appearance before he goes to jail. I love Travis Barker so much…he kills it on the drums.
11:16: I always think of “Degrassi” when I see Drake. I’m sure that does a lot for his rap credibility. Also: Jamie Foxx, you are one of those embarrassing people who sings along at concerts even though you don’t know the words.
11:20: I’m getting very anxious to see who’s going home with Album of the Year!
11:25: Here we go…TAYLOR SWIFT WON?? HOLY CRAP! I was hoping for a Gaga win, but Taylor totally deserves this award. To be that young and that talented – congrats, Taylor.
So there you have it…the 52nd Grammy Awards. Thank you to anyone who bothered to read this; I had fun writing and I hope you had fun reading. See you at the Oscars : )