Hello, readers! Thank you for humoring me and stopping by to check out my second annual live blog of the Grammys. Hopefully we have a night full of entertaining performances ahead of us, if Lady Gaga’s trek down the red carpet in a placenta/womb/egg-like thing is any indication. Also, I’d like to go on record and say if Justin Bieber wins any awards tonight, I will never watch the Grammys again.
8:00 – Kicking things off with a tribute to the one and only Aretha Franklin.
8:03 – Quite a wide variety of ladies singing this tribute. Christina Aguilera needs to tone down the clown hooker makeup.
8:06 – Martina McBride never seems to age. She is gorgeous.
8:07 – LOVE Florence Welch. If her band doesn’t win Best New Artist tonight, there is serious injustice in this world.
8:08 – The longer I look at Christina, the more I’m convinced her and Snooki are the same person.
8:11 – Hell yes to “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.” I love this song. (A special shout-out to my sistahs!)
8:14 – Lovely message from Aretha. She looks quite healthy.
8:17 – Damn, I missed Christina trip at the end of the tribute. Poor girl; this is just not her month.
8:20 – Best Pop Performance By a Duo or Group goes to…Train for “Hey Soul Sister.” I hate that song, but you can’t deny the fact that it revived their career and took over the radio last year.
8:22 – Oh dear lord, Ricky Martin, why are you wearing silver pants?
8:23 – Pod person Lady Gaga has arrived in a relatively tame outfit, too.
8:25 – The pointy shoulders are creeping me out. A lot.
8:26 – Of course she’s playing an organ with dismembered heads on it.
8:28 – Say what you will about Gaga, but she has a legit voice. No need for AutoTune or lip-syncing during her performances.
8:33 – Blake Shelton is introducing his fiancee. Precious.
8:34 – Noooo, Miranda! Not this song! I love it, but I can’t listen to it without crying.
8:38 – Happy to say I made it through that song with dry eyes. It helps to have developed a two-sizes-too-small Grinch heart.
8:40 – Muse is awesome. I have never encountered a song of theirs that I didn’t like.
8:43 – I wonder how Kate Hudson feels about the fact that the father of her unborn child just appeared on national television in a sparkly suit…
8:45 – My mom, on Bob Dylan: “Is he dead yet?”
8:49 – Major props to whoever organized the trio of Bruno Mars, B.o.B. and Janelle Monae.
8:52 – I’m in love with Bruno Mars’ voice. And his freakishly perfect teeth.
8:56 – I’m going to prematurely call this performance of the night. It’s going to take a lot to top these three.
8:58 – Finally…another award. (Not that I’m complaining. I love that the Grammys are so performance-heavy.)
9:00 – Best Female Country Vocal goes to Miranda Lambert, shocking absolutely no one. This song absolutely deserves to win a ton of Grammys.
9:05 – Oh no. I feel a Bieber performance coming on…
9:06 – Bieber is talented, but he has such a punchable face. I’m a terrible person for saying that.
9:08 – Seeing Bieber perform makes me feel elderly. It’s been so long since NSync’s heyday…Justin Timberlake just turned 30, for god’s sake.
9:10 – I have a hatred for precocious child stars, but Will Smith’s son Jaden is adorable.
9:11 – “OMG” is, hands-down, my least favorite song of 2010.
9:15 – Best Rock Album goes to…Muse, aka the only band nominated in this category that wasn’t alive in the 60s.
9:20 – “From ‘Blue Bloods’ and New Kids On the Block,” is a great introduction.
9:21 – Best Pop Vocal Album goes to Lady Gaga. Duhhhh. She’s dressed like a lunatic but I love her.
9:25 – This performance is…odd. A banjo, a convulsing keyboard player and a lead singer who looks like Tim Tebow. My brain hurts.
9:27 – Is this the Avett Brothers or Mumford and Sons? Or does it even matter? They’re both equally boring.
9:28 – Everyone on this stage right now looks like they escaped a polygamist cult.
9:30 – People actually pay to listen to Bob Dylan sing? This disturbs me.
9:32 – This performance quickly turned from strange to AWFUL.
9:34 – Thank god that’s over. I need a Top 40 palate cleanser after that hipster/roving band of weirdos explosion.
9:39 – Clay Matthews looks so. uncomfortable.
9:40 – I love Lady Antebellum so much. “American Honey” is a beautiful song.
9:42 – I have a strong feeling “Need You Now” will win one of the major awards tonight. (Song or Record of the year…I can’t keep them straight.)
9:44 – Best Country Album goes to…Lady Antebellum. A deserved win, for sure.
9:46 – Okay, now why is Gwyneth Paltrow singing with Cee-Lo? Just because she sang this song on Glee?
9:48 – Oh. My. God. I love this acid-trip-meets-the-Muppets performance. “It’s like Elton John on crack,” according to my mother.
9:50 – Gwyneth should be ashamed that she let someone talk her into appearing on the Grammys in a unitard.
9:53 – That performance brought the crazy and cuckoo that Gaga was lacking. Loved it. (Minus Gwyneth.)
9:57 – I hope “Not Like the Movies” is Katy Perry’s new single…great track off of “Teenage Dream.”
10:00 – Go ahead and make fun of me, but I love this song. A lot.
10:01 – Oh my god, how cute was Nicole Kidman singing along to “Teenage Dream”? Love it.
10:03 – Liking the sassy bob on Norah Jones. Not liking John Mayer’s homeless look.
10:04 – Song of the Year goes to…”Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum. Totally called it.
10:12 – Thank you, Seth Rogen, for making a ‘Miley Cyrus getting high’ joke.
10:14 – Rihanna looks stunning in this dress.
10:17 – I’m now intimately acquainted with the veins in Eminem’s face. He’s a bit intense, isn’t he?
10:19 – I just had to google Skylar Grey to see what she looks like, since they seem averse to showing her face on TV.
10:21 – Best New Artist goes to…Esperanza Spalding. Who the F is she? I mean, I kept chanting, “Anyone but Bieber,” but I was hoping for a Florence + the Machine win. Congratulations, whoever you are!
10:30 – It’s kind of cool that a jazz musician won Best New Artist.
10:35 – I find it very hard to believe that this is Sir Mick’s first Grammy performance. He’s such an old kook, but so talented.
10:37 – Stars: They’re just like us! They rock out! (I’m looking at you, Nicole Kidman. You’re too cute.)
10:40 – If the rest of the telecast was just Mick Jagger performing, I would be perfectly okay with that.
10:47 – The extensions on Barbara Streisand’s head are atrocious. Sorry, Babs.
10:50 – Nicki Minaj is loco, but I love her.
10:51 – Best Rap Album goes to…Eminem.
10:59 – This is one of my favorite Rihanna songs, made even better by Drizzy Drake.
11:02 – Oh look, it’s my new favorite American Idol judge and her creepy, possibly undead husband!
11:04 – Record of the Year goes to…”Need You Now.” Wow, both Record and Song of the Year. Crazy.
11:11 – Jason Segal, I love you.
11:12 – Arcade Fire needs to lay off the strobe lights a bit. Do not like.
11:15 – I hate this. Make it stop.
11:22 – FINALLY. Album of the Year goes to…Arcade Fire. Say whaaat? That’s ridic. Should have gone to Gaga.
That’s a wrap, kids. A giant THANK YOU to everyone who popped in to read what I had to say…as of 11:25 tonight, my blog has 691 page views. I can’t even wrap my head around that.
Girl, Uninterrupted 